see, the thing is, i never thought it would be this difficult. and now that i know it is, i am lost.

i was presented an option, to just take a year off, and do nothing. figure my life out. at that time, it seemed great. but at that time, i never knew what my other options were. and that made a whole lot of difference.

what puts me in a spot, is the fact that the reason i may have been presented these choices by this person, was because these were all of this person's dreams. things this person wanted to do, but never had the opportunity to do so. and this also puts me in a spot because dreams are meant to be spectacular, unreachable, so inexplicably perfect, that no one really sees the reality of it. and this is when it gets difficult. because now, i am faced with this dream, that is not mine, and i see all the flaws, even though i know that if i speak up, the benefits of it would be laid down in front of me in a heartbeat.

so, what do i do now when my dreams are gone and all hopes of mine are diminished?

the reality of it is, i am faced with 2 options, of which, i can forsee myself feeling miserable if i choose either. so do i choose the one that makes me feel less miserable? is that how i am supposed to choose? see which bad thing outweighs the other?

well, at least i know that in any case, i have to plan my life from scratch again, so the choices shouldn't mean a thing right? just plan my life according to what happens to me within the next year. it's not like there is any other way out of this.

i used to have this idealistic view, and now it's gone.


i feel a loss. and i know i've lost.

posted by ellie at 5/26/2007 03:34:00 pm

so, nothing. again. it didn't come as a shock. it was more like a brief spell of anger. 2, maybe 3 minutes max. i was thinking of the audacity and the hypocrisy, but, guess what? i expected it. it took way too long, my hopes were dashed even before i knew the truth.

so now, i have half a thing keeping me here, and a thousand reasons for me to leave. a chance in a dozen? i'll go.

the irony was, i'd get what i was hoping for. but it comes with a price. but that's the thing about difficult decisions, isn't it? the price to pay might be too much to bear, but the alternative always seems worse.

i lied. the anger is still there. but it's faded to something mild, or maybe worse - depending on how you look at it. cynicism. not much point in lots of things now is there? considering that lies have been used as a cover up.

whatever.



so what do you do when your dreams have come true? follow it, or turn and run?

posted by ellie at 5/25/2007 10:18:00 pm

so, the hyperness has died, as i know it would. and now i'm wondering about things. in the wee hours of the morning.

so i've changed. i know. i blame it all on one event - if i could. but see, doesn't one change because of one's self and not one's environment? one can resist change, right?
maybe not. maybe i am too idealistic, filled with this incessant optimism that refuses to die. but this in itself is ironic isn't it?

so back to the change. in my mind, i am back to when i wanted, and i see myself then, and myself now. and i picture now fusing with then, and i realise that i can't be what i saw. i have moved passed it, to some new dimension that i can't seem to jump off of. what a laugh.

i think of: things i am no longer. and, of what i have become. realist? oh, how i hate the word.

anyway, try as i might, but i can't find that part of myself i knew i had. it fills me with such irritation now just thinking about it.

really, can you age years in a day? can you be say... 13 going 30? absolutely childlike, then unmistakably adult?

i am not proud of what i think i am growing to be. or who.

these 'wants', they are constantly at war. and i don't want to want what i can't have.
words are tricky.

but things change right? inevitably.

posted by ellie at 5/20/2007 01:32:00 am

i am happy!!! =)

so anyway, i am in this terribly hyper mood! hmm. i should do something about that.

things are not so gloomy. there's always a way out i guess. i have to do so many stuff now. how cool is that?!


happy happy happy.

posted by ellie at 5/20/2007 12:24:00 am

i am so tired. and then i remembered that i once had 8 hours of sleep in 72 hours.

and it all comes back to me again. i don't think i'll get over it anytime soon.

i am feeling miserable. and i can't do anything about it.

posted by ellie at 5/12/2007 10:38:00 pm