as of now, i refuse to be bothered by anything other than my future (or rather, my a's), my family and my closest friends. i deem these as the most important things in my life right now and if anything else does not fall into that category, then well, it's just too bad ain't it? things will just have to wait.

i am not a weak-willed person. i just choose my battles well. and i'll fight if i'm forced to. that makes me opinionated. so if i appear indifferent or nonchalent about something, well those things are just what i deem unimportant.

i write this now with a goal in mind. and i intend to achieve it. and the thing i would least tolerate at this point in time are obstacles blocking my way. theose are now my battles. and i absolutely refuse to lose.

posted by ellie at 8/30/2006 10:03:00 pm

taking a walk down memory lane is not all that it's cracked up to be. having made contacts with contacts that were lost is not always a good thing. why are some people constantly in search of long lost friends? they are long lost. leave it be.

it hurts. so bad. and so unexpectedly. i walked away from that life two years ago. and now it's staring back at me, right in my face. mocking me. humiliating me. and it took just that split second to realise that two years is not enough. i want to get away. i need to. i cannot take this reminder of the past that has been chasing after me the same time i have been running away from it.

no. smiles does not cover it up. so stop it.

posted by ellie at 8/20/2006 02:10:00 pm

i have 8 hours to come up with a solution to a problem that has many complicated issues that i have definitely never experienced. a problem that is at the very least five years ahead of me. coupled with another that is ten years ahead. so what do i do?

the responsibility entrusted onto me in a mere two seconds forces me to think of ways and means, with the zilch experience that i have, to resolve a problem that has been building up since a month ago. and i only know about this now.

and because of this, i have a strong urge to rethink my career options. or rather, the choices i have during university. as the days passes, i see the future that i planned getting further and further away from me. and i have to decide if i want what i planned for. because right now, it seems like the necessity to find a solution outweighs my passion.

so the clock is ticking.
and i'm thinking of marriage, property market, a minimum of half a million dollars, and family, in the broadest of sense.

am i capable and trustworthy enough of handling such information?

posted by ellie at 8/09/2006 01:17:00 am

what happens if you are faced with a life changing moment. do you panic? or do you stay calm? would you need time to think? or do you already know the answer in a split second? are you able to allow yourself a change of life? or are you happy with the one you are leading? what if you walk into a total disaster? what then?


"it's my life." is it ever? can u safely say that you are able to detatch yourself from the entire world, just so that the life you own is completely yours. are you able to forget the past entirely? erase all the contacts you have ever made? move to another continent, turn back time and be completely, emotionally separated from the rest of the world? erase your identity? and create an entirely new one. not one that you steal, but one that you thought of. not even one that you are inspired by. just one that you thought of on your own. you can't. it would be highly improbable to the extent of it being impossible.

even if you succeed, you cannot live a hermit. because the moment you interact with someone, or something that is living, you are part of their lives, and they are part of yours. and so it would not be your life. but the life you lead, infused with everyone else's.

so you don't own your life. no one does. because you do not give yourself life. even if you can choose to end the life you are given.

posted by ellie at 8/01/2006 12:05:00 am