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i attended 3 weddings today. yesterday. whatever. technically it was 2 weddings. the first two were the same couple. interestingly, the groom had a crush on my sis 3 years ago. and he told my mum. well, they work in the same building. my mom and that groom. but my sis was attached. so. unlucky him.
the 3rd wedding was a double wedding. a brother and a sister. married on the same day. i know their mum. the last wedding was really nostalgic. the mum works in the PSA club house cafetria. and anyone who worked/works in PSA would have known her. lovely lady. lovelier food. nostalgic, because the club house was right beside the PSA childcare centre. and going back there, i realise the place seems smaller now. but i remember when i was little-er, almost everyday, when my dad picked me up from the child care, he would bring me to the club house, and he'd either feed me, mee rebus - by that lady, everyday (and that's why till now, that is my comfort food) - or, he'd make me stand somewhere near the cafeteria while he coached others in archery. those were good memories. anyway, that lady's daughter used to have a crush on my brother. interesting isn't it? --- on an entirely different note, my quest, at least for now, is to feel happy. or rather, contented with my life. i thought, maybe my quest should be to find myself. but, would finding myself assure me happiness? i think not. so i'd cut straight to the chase. feel happy and contented. and along the way, i would surely have found out some things new about .. me. --- i take back what i wrote in my previous post. if i really had to pick ONE day, the day when i started feeling down, it'd be the 7th of dec. thursday. the exact time? probably 2337h. --- it might not make sense to many how something that does not affect me directly could have this absolutely depressing effect. maybe it's something to do with how close i am to the person who is directly affected. or that being me, i am acutely aware of other's emotions - and their needs and wants. maybe both. in any case, going through what i've already gone through - and more to come - i came to many realisations. and honestly, they are scary. in truth, i'd like living in a fairy tale. where everyone lives happily ever after. that after any poison apple or wicked witch, the good would always prevail. but this shook me to reality. things are not that way. and will never be. bad things happen. and will continue to happen. and no matter how you try to mend things, it will never be the same. the shattered glass will still be shattered, or at best, chipped. there will still be that ugly crack on the mirror, forever reminding us of things we'd rather forget. and can never look past. although we can try. i told only one person so far how i truly feel. miserable yes. but ... something else. and it can be summarised in just one word. i can still feel happy but also ... i have been repeating damien rice's the blower's daughter the entire time i was writing this entry. i need: some time alone. i need: a damn good distraction. i need: to know what i want to do with my life. not just my 5-year plan. *how is it that you can feel so damn lonely when you are surrounded by people? why is it that it took me this long to understand fully what the above statement meant? --- i have so many of these little rules i set for myself. to prevent me from ... i don't know what really. they make sense to me. but also, i think they prevent me to live life. fully. so, do i let go of some things i believe in? or not? even if they are for a good reason? --- honestly, i think i already let go of so many things i believed in recently. things i used to completely rule out, i now consider. i'd sometimes give myself excuses. but the truth is, i know that the only thing holding me back from totally letting go of that ONE thing i believed in, is fear. not of letting go. but of the ability to still hold back once i let go. it's like jumping of a cliff. can i still get back up there? even if i tried climbing it with all my might? or is the wall of the cliff too smooth? that i slide back down when i try to climb? 1. c. 2. local u. 3. fass. 4. 5-yr plan. 5. d/m. what happened to my optimism? --- *you hide what's important. and reveal the rest. posted by ellie at 12/17/2006 09:58:00 pm
don't read this.
i've been feeling miserable of late. and i don't know why. heck. who am i kidding? i know exactly why i feel miserable. and i can do nothing to get rid of this feeling. i can't make myself feel better. my undying optimism has well.. finally died. or it's lost somehow, somewhere, in the swiss alps perhaps. or the pyramods in egypt. and i need to find it fast. or revive it. i haven't been feeling 'me' for a long time now. and i must say, the feeling's horrible. it's not about losing yourself. (okay, maybe. considering the thoughts running through my head so often recently, i feel as if i don't have any control over myself.) it's more about me feeling as if i don't even know who i really am at all. i need help really. okay. fine. to pinpoint the exact date? i might say the 1st of dec. but honestly, i feel that it is early than that. the 1st of dec just happened to be the defining day. or something like. too much talks of it got me reflecting about my life. and sometimes, like now, i absolutely hate it. and maybe that's why i have an obsession on being kept busy. at least it takes my mind of stuff. stuff i want to push to the back of my mind. but i know i would have to face. soon. very very soon. staying up till really late these past few days hasn't helped. a muddled mind, a tired muddled mind at that, doesn't think happy thoughts. lately, i've been forcing myself to stay awake, even though i know that i can fall asleep the instant i get to bed. why? i wonder. i fulfil nothing in typing this useless entry in the wee hours of the morning. happiness is truly lying down on an open plane, at night, staring at the stars. i can't achieve that. 1. the lights in s'pore are so bright that u have to squint your eyes to realise that there are stars. 2. unfortunately, i can't be out after midnight. and i can't go out before the sun rises. or soemthing to that effect. 3. and there is no vast open plane here! roof tops are out of bounds. and the only other place available are the beaches. which, at this point in time seem like the most brilliant idea. i need a change of pace. i told someone that recently. and that's one of my main reasons why i want to study overseas. but why do i have this sinking feeling that i'd end up studying in here? i've been wanting to leave for so long. but i can't. it seems. but. i hate the thought of leaving. i hate goodbyes. i don't say "goodbye" specifically unless i mean it. see you, feels more appropriate. but i've had too many goodbyes. and every time that happens, i'm hit with the realisation that the people i love are slowly but surely drifting away. (i'm talking about physical distance. although for some, it does happen emotionally too.) i'm pouring my heart out too much. i'll be leaving town. for a month. maybe more. it really depends. my plan was to only come back end of feb. or mid march. that was my ideal plan. but now, maybe not. late jan, early feb seems about right. posted by ellie at 12/15/2006 03:54:00 am
hilarious!
Cows With Guns Dennis Leary Fat and docile, big and dumb They look so stupid, they aren't much fun Cows aren't fun They eat to grow, grow to die Die to be et at the hamburger fry Cows well done Nobody thunk it, nobody knew No one imagined the great cow guru Cows are one He hid in the forest, read books with great zeal He loved Che Guevera, a revolutionary veal Cow Tse Tongue He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd Cow doldrums He mooed we must fight, escape or we'll die Cows gathered around, cause the steaks were so high Bad cow pun But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate Cows are bummed He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy No one suspected he was packing an Uzi Cows with guns They came with a needle to stick in his thigh He kicked for the groin, he pissed in their eye Cow well hung Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor Run cows run! He picked up a bullhorn and jumped up on the hay We are free roving bovines, we run free today We will fight for bovine Cfreedom And hold our large heads high We will run free with the Buffalo, or die Cows with guns They crashed the gate in a great stampede Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed Cows have fun Sixty police cars were piled in a heap Covered in cow pies, covered up deep Much cow dung Black smoke rising, darkening the day Twelve burning McDonalds, have it your way We will fight for bovine freedom And hold our large heads high We will run free with the Buffalo, or die Cows with guns The President said "enough is enough These uppity cattle, its time to get tough" Cow dung flung The newspapers gloated, folks sighed with relief Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef Cows on buns The cows were surrounded, they waited and prayed They mooed their last moos, they chewed their last hay Cows out gunned The order was given to turn cows to whoppers Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers We will fight for bovine freedom And hold our large heads high We will run free with the Buffalo, or die Cows with guns posted by ellie at 12/12/2006 01:30:00 am
i don't think i'm strong enough for this. but i try.
someone once told me, or i read it somewhere, that, you are stronger than you really think. so i hope this is really true. i pray for it. this is very difficult. but it's something that i have to think positively about. everything happens for a reason. and i hope that soon, hopefully very soon, that i will know what the reason is, so i can accept it. and be stronger because of it. in any case, i have learnt a lot in this few short months. and i know that compared to others, what i'm facing is nothing. so i try. i really really try. but i don't know how long i can let this slide. posted by ellie at 12/08/2006 12:04:00 am
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