don't read this.

i've been feeling miserable of late. and i don't know why. heck. who am i kidding? i know exactly why i feel miserable. and i can do nothing to get rid of this feeling. i can't make myself feel better. my undying optimism has well.. finally died. or it's lost somehow, somewhere, in the swiss alps perhaps. or the pyramods in egypt. and i need to find it fast. or revive it. i haven't been feeling 'me' for a long time now. and i must say, the feeling's horrible. it's not about losing yourself. (okay, maybe. considering the thoughts running through my head so often recently, i feel as if i don't have any control over myself.) it's more about me feeling as if i don't even know who i really am at all. i need help really.

okay. fine. to pinpoint the exact date? i might say the 1st of dec. but honestly, i feel that it is early than that. the 1st of dec just happened to be the defining day. or something like. too much talks of it got me reflecting about my life. and sometimes, like now, i absolutely hate it. and maybe that's why i have an obsession on being kept busy. at least it takes my mind of stuff. stuff i want to push to the back of my mind. but i know i would have to face. soon. very very soon.

staying up till really late these past few days hasn't helped. a muddled mind, a tired muddled mind at that, doesn't think happy thoughts. lately, i've been forcing myself to stay awake, even though i know that i can fall asleep the instant i get to bed. why? i wonder. i fulfil nothing in typing this useless entry in the wee hours of the morning.

happiness is truly lying down on an open plane, at night, staring at the stars. i can't achieve that.

1. the lights in s'pore are so bright that u have to squint your eyes to realise that there are stars.
2. unfortunately, i can't be out after midnight. and i can't go out before the sun rises. or soemthing to that effect.
3. and there is no vast open plane here! roof tops are out of bounds. and the only other place available are the beaches. which, at this point in time seem like the most brilliant idea.

i need a change of pace. i told someone that recently. and that's one of my main reasons why i want to study overseas. but why do i have this sinking feeling that i'd end up studying in here? i've been wanting to leave for so long. but i can't. it seems.

but. i hate the thought of leaving. i hate goodbyes. i don't say "goodbye" specifically unless i mean it. see you, feels more appropriate. but i've had too many goodbyes. and every time that happens, i'm hit with the realisation that the people i love are slowly but surely drifting away. (i'm talking about physical distance. although for some, it does happen emotionally too.)

i'm pouring my heart out too much.

i'll be leaving town. for a month. maybe more. it really depends. my plan was to only come back end of feb. or mid march. that was my ideal plan. but now, maybe not. late jan, early feb seems about right.

posted by ellie at 12/15/2006 03:54:00 am