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"maybe he's here to teach you how to love but you were meant to love someone else"
hey bestie. be strong. previously, whenever you said that you would walk away forever, i would have received one email... telling me what has happened, asking for my advice, asking about you.. and it would always end with a constant: a note at the end to take care of you. i'm glad that you are strong. somehow i know you would be. but i'm amazed at how much you've gone through and what you choose to remember - the good times. you need no consolation or a shoulder to cry on. and i'm proud of you. and i am surprised by the way you break the news - matter-of-factly.. yet with much care and understanding. lessons are learnt. and hopefully remembered. i'll always be around if you need me. you know that. posted by ellie at 2/26/2007 01:06:00 am
i want to break through a glass window. make that a glass building. i want to crash into it at high speed and watch the whole building as it disintegrates. i want to feel like i have the power to cause such major destruction. i want to be the cause of the destruction. to harm everything in my way. i don't want to use a hammer. or a rock. or something to that effect. i want to use my fist. feel the hard glass shatter as i force my fist through. to see it happen right before my eyes. to feel the satisfaction of possessing such great strength. i want to punch, kick, and knock something out. i want to be the cause of the destruction.
then, at least i won't be the victim of it. posted by ellie at 2/25/2007 12:45:00 am
something is wrong.
i want something. it was within reach. it was so close. i could touch it. i could smell it. i could definitely see it. but i put it down. the irony. why did i do that? it was pure stupidity mixed with pride. which was diminishing by that minute anyway. i should just have gone for it. it would have been good. i know it. would i be in that position again? tohave something so close it is practically right under my nose? i need something. old news. bad timing. worse reaction. i crave something. serenity. as if! like that's ever gonna happen soon. i need sleep. i need rest. exhaustion. fatigue. this is absolutely ridiculous! I NEED TO SCREAM! i want to ruin something. i want to hit something so hard that it breaks. to smash it. with my fist. i don't want some stupid controlled environment. i don't need kick-boxing classes or crap like that. i don't need to scream at some stupid god-forsaken land. i want pure destruction. i am bloody sick of it. i have had enough of being treated like some good-for-nothing bloody idiot who doesn't know a single thing about anything. i hate being thought of as some nutcase and whacko just because i refuse to do something. just sod off. i want to go away. posted by ellie at 2/24/2007 12:32:00 am
i think..
that when something occurs to you that makes you so angry, happens time and time again, you act in an extremely bizarre fashion. i, for one, laugh. i can't stop laughing. i find it highly amusing that some people have this power over you that they know just how to tick you off. everytime. doing the exact same thing all the time. being themselves. i laugh, because i can predict what would happen next. and at the back of my mind, i know it would happen. it's almost like being brilliant ant foresighting. but then again, even an oaf could see what happens next. and i have been in an uncontrollable fit of laughter. inside. a depressing uncontrollable fit of laughter. isn't it amusing? or, i might be going slightly.. cuckoo. =) oh. i just love the english language! posted by ellie at 2/13/2007 11:53:00 pm
why are we rushing our life away?
i mean seriously. time passes by so quickly. and the last thing you want is to regret the choices you made in the past. hence, my 5-year plan. posted by ellie at 2/07/2007 10:58:00 pm
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