i attended 3 weddings today. yesterday. whatever. technically it was 2 weddings. the first two were the same couple. interestingly, the groom had a crush on my sis 3 years ago. and he told my mum. well, they work in the same building. my mom and that groom. but my sis was attached. so. unlucky him.

the 3rd wedding was a double wedding. a brother and a sister. married on the same day. i know their mum. the last wedding was really nostalgic. the mum works in the PSA club house cafetria. and anyone who worked/works in PSA would have known her. lovely lady. lovelier food. nostalgic, because the club house was right beside the PSA childcare centre. and going back there, i realise the place seems smaller now.

but i remember when i was little-er, almost everyday, when my dad picked me up from the child care, he would bring me to the club house, and he'd either feed me, mee rebus - by that lady, everyday (and that's why till now, that is my comfort food) - or, he'd make me stand somewhere near the cafeteria while he coached others in archery. those were good memories.

anyway, that lady's daughter used to have a crush on my brother. interesting isn't it?

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on an entirely different note, my quest, at least for now, is to feel happy. or rather, contented with my life. i thought, maybe my quest should be to find myself. but, would finding myself assure me happiness? i think not. so i'd cut straight to the chase. feel happy and contented. and along the way, i would surely have found out some things new about .. me.

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i take back what i wrote in my previous post. if i really had to pick ONE day, the day when i started feeling down, it'd be the 7th of dec. thursday. the exact time? probably 2337h.

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it might not make sense to many how something that does not affect me directly could have this absolutely depressing effect. maybe it's something to do with how close i am to the person who is directly affected. or that being me, i am acutely aware of other's emotions - and their needs and wants. maybe both.

in any case, going through what i've already gone through - and more to come - i came to many realisations. and honestly, they are scary. in truth, i'd like living in a fairy tale. where everyone lives happily ever after. that after any poison apple or wicked witch, the good would always prevail. but this shook me to reality. things are not that way. and will never be. bad things happen. and will continue to happen. and no matter how you try to mend things, it will never be the same. the shattered glass will still be shattered, or at best, chipped. there will still be that ugly crack on the mirror, forever reminding us of things we'd rather forget. and can never look past. although we can try.

i told only one person so far how i truly feel. miserable yes. but ... something else. and it can be summarised in just one word. i can still feel happy but also ...

i have been repeating damien rice's the blower's daughter the entire time i was writing this entry.

i need: some time alone.
i need: a damn good distraction.
i need: to know what i want to do with my life. not just my 5-year plan.

*how is it that you can feel so damn lonely when you are surrounded by people?

why is it that it took me this long to understand fully what the above statement meant?

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i have so many of these little rules i set for myself. to prevent me from ... i don't know what really.

they make sense to me. but also, i think they prevent me to live life. fully. so, do i let go of some things i believe in? or not? even if they are for a good reason?

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honestly, i think i already let go of so many things i believed in recently. things i used to completely rule out, i now consider. i'd sometimes give myself excuses. but the truth is, i know that the only thing holding me back from totally letting go of that ONE thing i believed in, is fear. not of letting go. but of the ability to still hold back once i let go. it's like jumping of a cliff. can i still get back up there? even if i tried climbing it with all my might? or is the wall of the cliff too smooth? that i slide back down when i try to climb?

1. c.
2. local u.
3. fass.
4. 5-yr plan.
5. d/m.

what happened to my optimism?

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*you hide what's important. and reveal the rest.

posted by ellie at 12/17/2006 09:58:00 pm