so, the hyperness has died, as i know it would. and now i'm wondering about things. in the wee hours of the morning.

so i've changed. i know. i blame it all on one event - if i could. but see, doesn't one change because of one's self and not one's environment? one can resist change, right?
maybe not. maybe i am too idealistic, filled with this incessant optimism that refuses to die. but this in itself is ironic isn't it?

so back to the change. in my mind, i am back to when i wanted, and i see myself then, and myself now. and i picture now fusing with then, and i realise that i can't be what i saw. i have moved passed it, to some new dimension that i can't seem to jump off of. what a laugh.

i think of: things i am no longer. and, of what i have become. realist? oh, how i hate the word.

anyway, try as i might, but i can't find that part of myself i knew i had. it fills me with such irritation now just thinking about it.

really, can you age years in a day? can you be say... 13 going 30? absolutely childlike, then unmistakably adult?

i am not proud of what i think i am growing to be. or who.

these 'wants', they are constantly at war. and i don't want to want what i can't have.
words are tricky.

but things change right? inevitably.

posted by ellie at 5/20/2007 01:32:00 am