see, the thing is, i never thought it would be this difficult. and now that i know it is, i am lost.

i was presented an option, to just take a year off, and do nothing. figure my life out. at that time, it seemed great. but at that time, i never knew what my other options were. and that made a whole lot of difference.

what puts me in a spot, is the fact that the reason i may have been presented these choices by this person, was because these were all of this person's dreams. things this person wanted to do, but never had the opportunity to do so. and this also puts me in a spot because dreams are meant to be spectacular, unreachable, so inexplicably perfect, that no one really sees the reality of it. and this is when it gets difficult. because now, i am faced with this dream, that is not mine, and i see all the flaws, even though i know that if i speak up, the benefits of it would be laid down in front of me in a heartbeat.

so, what do i do now when my dreams are gone and all hopes of mine are diminished?

the reality of it is, i am faced with 2 options, of which, i can forsee myself feeling miserable if i choose either. so do i choose the one that makes me feel less miserable? is that how i am supposed to choose? see which bad thing outweighs the other?

well, at least i know that in any case, i have to plan my life from scratch again, so the choices shouldn't mean a thing right? just plan my life according to what happens to me within the next year. it's not like there is any other way out of this.

i used to have this idealistic view, and now it's gone.


i feel a loss. and i know i've lost.

posted by ellie at 5/26/2007 03:34:00 pm