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shocking. it is difficult trying to comprehend something that is incomprehensible. but most things are incomprehensible because of the reluctance to comprehend it. because in a world where posibilities are infinite, (for lack of a better cliche) one should always expect the unexpected. until of course the unexpected occurs. then the perception of the world changes.
the worst part about knowing something shocking is the realisation of one's own naive ignorance. the suppression of worldly possibilities does not protect one from the realities of terror's existence; it only seeks to reveal them in the worst possible manner. up till recently, i have often wondered how some deliberately choose a certain sort of life over others. for a very long time i couldn't fathom the possibility of someone wilingly losing one's self and consciously ignoring the consequences. i still don't understand it now. but the worst of it is that this affects me terribly. and i have no way of controlling my emotions. and what is killing me is that i don't know why it affects me as much as it does. logically, there are a million different reasons to justify my reaction and mental state. but impracticality, being unreasonable, leaves me feeling ignorant, naive and stupid. emotions are difficult to reason with. i've been playing the words repetitively in my head, and it sounds, while distressing, not like something i cannot, over time, live with. posted by ellie at 1/29/2009 01:24:00 am
it is the new year.
as time slowly creeps upon us, i'm more fearful of the seconds that pass us by - afraid that during some unforeseen moment, the future would materialise and scream at me in the face, and the hands of time would knock me out of my reverie (present only because of my self-instilled forceful ignorance) and demand a well thought out plan for the rest of my life. but i am grateful for this (possibly irrational) dread, because it forces me to live in the moment. and at this moment, i have a lot to live for. so, keeping only the gratifying memories of the past, and the necessary lessons learnt from unpleasant situations, i'm looking forward to a plethora of blissful experiences of the future. happy new year. posted by ellie at 1/01/2009 04:51:00 pm
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