the worst part about knowing something shocking is the realisation of one's own naive ignorance. the suppression of worldly possibilities does not protect one from the realities of terror's existence; it only seeks to reveal them in the worst possible manner. up till recently, i have often wondered how some deliberately choose a certain sort of life over others. for a very long time i couldn't fathom the possibility of someone wilingly losing one's self and consciously ignoring the consequences. i still don't understand it now. 

but the worst of it is that this affects me terribly. and i have no way of controlling my emotions. and what is killing me is that i don't know why it affects me as much as it does. logically, there are a million different reasons to justify my reaction and mental state. but impracticality, being unreasonable, leaves me feeling ignorant, naive and stupid. 

emotions are difficult to reason with. i've been playing the words repetitively in my head, and it sounds, while distressing, not like something i cannot, over time, live with.