time: 0141h

sometimes i get an overwhelming rush of emotions, especially at around this time. when the house is all quiet, when there's hardly a sound made, except by the nails that periodically hit the keys on the keyboard, the occasional motorbike or car zooming by, but very muffled because it is heard at a distance. otherwise, silence. complete silence.

but while i love the silence, which is maybe why i enjoy staying up so late, something quite a few people cannot fathom, there are times (especially like these) which i find that it is completely deafening. the lack of sound means that there's nothing to block out the thoughts that are screaming in my mind. this jumble in my head, i wish i could pack them in little boxes, preferably labled, so i could open them when i wish, neatly, one at the time.

but no. memories do not work that way. the flood your mind, with no way of stopping the proverbial tides from ruining everything that was previously calm and dry.

as a friend always says: what's done is done and cannot be undone.

things happen. live through them. survive. there has to be some strength that could be garnered from just surviving. nothing should be more exhilirating than just being alive.

anyway, it is 0153h, and i have spent the time writing about completely nothing.

isn't that just the best thing to do, and the best time to do it? =)

posted by ellie at 5/14/2008 01:40:00 am

it took me so long to figure out the meaning of something i've heard so often. but i understood it just a few days ago, and the realisation punched me hard. it was not that i was affected by it per se, rather, that after finding the context that encapsulates the meaning in its entity do i finally realise the true potential of the words i have so often heard.
words may mean so many things, and it takes massive effort to dissect such meanings. until you get to the core, the actuality of the meaning, can you let the words rest. otherwise, the surface would leave you hanging, giving the impression that you know everything, when you know nothing at all.
the fact is, i hated hearing those words, because i thought of how it affected me. but opening myself to the various situations that it could be applied to, did i finally become enlightened.

i wonder: is it better to have something and to lose it, or to not have the thing that you want so much. on one hand, at least you have experienced having that object, you learn how to live with it, how to use it to your advantage, how to influence the object . . . you would have grown. but when you lose it, it might affect you terribly. on the otherhand, if you had not had it at all, you would not know what you missed, hence the only emotion you would have attached to it would be longing, but how can you truly long for something that you've never had in your possession. this 'assumed' longing would thus disappear, leaving you with hardly any memory of what you've missed. or you could long for it forever, knowing somehow, perhaps intuitively, that you could not really function well without that object.

i have tried to live without regrets, but i know how impossible that can be. i have tried not to let external factors affect me so much, but again, i seem to have failed. i've heard somewhere that everyone are the lead actors of their own lives, so why is it that i allow something that happens in the subplot affect the main plot? subplots are never meant to take over the main plot, otherwise, the lead actor would have to be pushed to a role of a supporting actor (or worse, a minor character). it is amazing, how after all this time, i have sometimes let the darkness creep back into my life, when the darkness was supposed to exist in another show entirely. how could i have let the two shows converged, leaving me to fight for the role of the lead actor?

it is not pent up emotion i am feeling. to be honest, i am perfectly calm. but sometimes, the words do take my mind to places i have long forgotten, exploring the changes, the upgrades or the dilapidations, in the crevices of my soul.

i will learn to let go. but until then, i will live with this weight that reminds me to grow, to be better, stronger than this burden, so that i could overcome it. i will. in time. i have at least that much faith in myself.

for now, i am completely satisfied

posted by ellie at 5/05/2008 12:40:00 am

a little perturbed..
to realise that i am capable of something. to be put so close to the boundary of reason, and to even consider toeing that boundary...

that aside, i braved something which i have been putting off for a few years now. and i find that it's not too bad. i survived, and i don't think it hurt too much. time doesn't heal all wounds, but it sure numbs the sting quite a bit.
everytime i think of it, i get reminded of my stupidity and naivete. i know i have survived, but i realise it is not about me.

oh, the mundane existence of a soul with no purpose!

posted by ellie at 5/01/2008 09:37:00 pm