i feel like one of those dolls in a toy shop. the one that is left at the back of the shelf which no one ever sees. the one which gets hardly any light shown on it. the one that feels overjoyed and extremely lucky that it gets noticed by a passing shopper. the one that never realises that the passing shopper will never return to give a second glance. the one that was bound to remain at the back of that shelf for almost forever.

posted by ellie at 1/21/2005 04:15:00 pm

when am i ever going to learn that the world does not revolve around me. the events that i deem important to me and the memories that are etched in my memories forever are not the same ones that everyone else care about. and those nitty gritty details that i remember, that i would want the other party to remember too may be minute events that occur in the other party's life, one that the other party takes absolutely no notice of.

so when am i ever going to learn that the things i feel and think about constantly, will not be something that anyone else even cares about. i go through this time and time again, each time with a certain different factor, but it all boils down to the same thing, it won't matter to someone else.

when am i going to learn that things cannot always go my way. i can hope and pray but if things are meant to follow a certin route, one of which i am excluded, i am hopeless to change it. maybe this hard of an impact about the things i did, or did not do, teaches me a very important thing - IT doesn't matter. it doesnt matter what IT is. IT simply doesn't matter. not in my life anyway.

others have better things to do. i am just one of those unlucky ones who ponder over things to much... i read too much into everything when there is nothing to be read at all. it is all like an unwritten book. i can think of what MAY be written on each and every paper that makes up the pages of the book, but if there is nothing written there in the first place, what i think i read was all only in the imagination. a dream. an unforgettable one. one with bits and pieces of reality dumped on it.

i'm learning a difficult lesson right now - there is a huge, bold, red line between fantasy and reality. what begins as a fantasy will remain a fantasy. what begins as a reality may seem like a fantasy, but, as luck would have it, the joy and pain felt would be real.

posted by ellie at 1/16/2005 02:35:00 pm

i feel

i feel, as you do
i cry, when no one is around
because i am confused
you never made things clear

i talked when you wanted me to
yet at times you didnt want to listen
so i stopped
and did things i thought you wanted me to

i feel as you do
i scream, when no one can hear
because i am frustrated
you always seem to blame me

i never left you even when you said you wanted me to
because i know in your heart you were lying
yet when i was gone for merely a minute,
you said i was ignoring you

i feel as you do
i remain silent, when no one is near
because i am tired
of not knowing what you want

i helped you when you didnt want me to
because i know you needed me
yet there is a limit to how for you can push me away
i need your help in helping you

you feel unwanted, and insecure
you think no one cares about you
and that they will leave you at the blink of an eye
yet i feel. just as you do.

posted by ellie at 1/12/2005 11:41:00 am

Quote:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment,
more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly,
laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired,
read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small
character, steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of plenty of communication, more discussion, but less friendliness
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies,
and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.
A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you
can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,
because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you,
because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

Un-Quote.

i stole the above from a blog which i am pretty sure the owner stole it from somewhere else, therefore, this time i'm not feeling any guilt. =)

posted by ellie at 1/02/2005 04:53:00 pm

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

in two days i will officially be a J1 student. no more secondary school. the question is: am i happy? sure. i'm happy that i had made such wonderful friends in a period of four years. and sure, i really am looking forward to the next chapter of my life. having no close friends in my new school means that i'll be forced to make more new ones. and i guess i am happy, and a little nervous. but no. i am not happy to be posted to the school i have been posted to. i know i have only myself to blame. i am too easily distracted. so i can only hope that my results for the o levels will be so much better so i am capable of leaving the school i am posted to without appeals.

two more days before i get to experience the next cchapter of my life. two more days to end this chapter. two more days and i'll finally make a decision on what to do with my life. i want my dreams to come true. and i will ensure that it happens.

my new year's resolutions:
okay.. maybe i'll update this some time later. some other day perhaps.. my mind is blank =)


posted by ellie at 1/02/2005 09:51:00 am