my lack of an entry, since i left, was not due to the lack of an internet connection. nor was it due to my lack of time. not at all. there are only so many days i can go out till late without exhaustion kicking in. i've even managed to dedicate days at a stretch for me to unwind. (though, of course, the purpose of this trip was for me to unwind in the first place.) it wasn't even due to the lack of things to blog about. perhaps it was because i have too many things to say that i just get lazy at the thought of putting it all down in wors. but no, that's not quite it either.

it is, truly, the wonder of this place, and the awe of my experiences here, that leaves me speechless. or wordless. how could i describe the magnificence of the landscape, the scenary? or the amazement of it's location? - a desert, by the sea. what about the majesty of newly constructed sky-scrapers, that seem to be popping up at record time. or even the wonder that there is a culture so well-preserved and yet well-practised, amidst a mordern world speedingly built on top of it. i could not even begin to illustrate how it feels, just being here. being part of this splendor.

how could i explain that i have found a home away from home. it is not often that being placed halfway around the world from where you have spent most of your life, you find a sense of familiarity. how is it possible, that i could feel so safe, so secure, so at peace with myself and the surroundings in a place i hardly knew anything about before i stepped foot on its soil? perhaps being forced (for the most part) to look after myself, explore a new world on my own, and meet people of all walks of life - in all sense of the word - also forced me to grow up. and that is what makes it so difficult for me to put down in words everything i have experienced on this trip.

i mean, how could i say that i have come to more astute realisations in this one month, than i did in the past 18 years of my life? and really mean it? some things are indescribable, even in my best efforts in this entry. and when it comes right down to it, this trip has impacted me so much, that it would be a shame for me to illustrate in such detail, because i know that i am unable to do so. it would be a pity if i missed out even a fragment of imformation, or reflection, or thought. and so, in it's irony, i find it best for me not describe much at all.

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i would contradict myself in the following section.

i have discovered that writing is a great form of release. i brought a small, empty, book on my trip. when i was packing, i thought that it would be ideal for me to make it something like a travel journal, where i would write in it places i have been, and the people i have met. but i did nothing of that sort. perhaps unfortunately, since the names of the places i have been to are difficult to pronounce and i have been to so many. but i don't regret it. now, the book is filled. with hardly anything personal in it. instead, i write lists.

i have pages and pages filled with lists. things i need to do. things i need to consider. things i am considering. things i want. things i need. the pros and cons of everything. there are lists in lists in lists. and in a weird way, i always feel so much better after every list. it is almost like my desperate attempt in sorting out all the confusion in my mind.

as i have mentioned, i write very little thoughts in this book. i have yet to sort these out. and so for now, my thoughts are exactly that - MY thoughts.

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in this section, is my intention of this blog.

perhaps a little history would help.

before i started a blog, i read numerous other blogs. and immediately, i detest the idea of starting one - the main reason being that i do not like the idea of strangers being able to read this online diaries and assume that they know the details of what has been going on in the lives of the people who own the blog. even now, i value my privacy, and at all costs, i would ensure that what i want to keep private, will remain private.

but of course, like any other individual who started a blog, there is a part of me who wants others to read what i type. am i seeking attention? or is it a place for me to tell others what i feel without me actually saying it to them? or am i blogging because so many others do so? it's all this. and more.

over time however, it became routine. and then slowly, an obligation. for me to continue one so that others will still know bits of me. or that i am still around.

but in any case, i made it a point for this blog never to end up like a typical diary entry. with the "the diary, today this happened.. and i felt ...". it made me too transparent. and why would anyone even want to know what i had for dinner? or who i met up with? or which new friend i made today. these are the boring aspects of life. and so, i can safely say that i have successfully made this into an avenue of my reflections.

i have consciously ensured that everything i publish on this blog are things i would want to reveal to others anyway. or i have already revealed. and if that is not the case, and that i was in desperate need to blog, just to vent my negative emotions, i ensured that i leave the details unknown. no actual names are used. up to a point where some names might even be interchangable because of how vague my entries can be.

this section is not a warning for others to read between the lines. because if i don't want to reveal something, i will ensure that it is not revealed to anyone but myself. this section is merely an information. that has been long overdue.

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i have a gut feeling, that i might do something really unpredictable.

posted by ellie at 1/21/2007 08:07:00 pm