i've just learnt that what was worse than being to hopeful and acting extremely pathetic is the direct opposite - having absolutely no hope at all.

cos to have no hope means u have nothing to look forward to everyday. that means that life becomes bleak and monotonous. and it ultimately means that u find u have no purpose in life and begin to doubt ur purpose on earth. entirely depressing really.

but there were two things which got me down to this lower-than-low state. him and the results. i'll say it again: entirely depressing. and to top it all of, i realised i have insomnia. how great ain't it? i go to bed every night exhausted yet awake for hours and wake up every morning feeling like i just slept on a rock. not a very nice feeling at all. the rest of the day then feels like some thick fog and i return to my routine. it all started weeks ago i guess. when i came to an almost shocking realisation that the next few months will determine the rest of my life. i didnt want to know that but i did. and now i feel pathetic. hopeless. and very very depressed.

on a more upbeat note, my mum's birthday is tomorrow. that's good. a day for me to unwind. cake, ice cream and the whole package. great.

trying to be optimistic. trying really hard.

posted by ellie at 12/13/2004 02:44:00 pm